Asking
E ric Dear Eric: My sister’s only son (and my only nephew) is incarcerated in another state and will remain so for many more years for sex crimes against a child. I am still flabbergasted as to how he could commit such a heinous crime. My sister maintains contact with him, but no one else in the family is interested in communicating with him. He wants to be able to call and write to me. I am sure he needs emotional support, and I know he will ask for money to be put on his books. I really don’t want anything to do with such a person and can’t imagine what I could possibly say to him other than to express my absolute disgust in his actions that will affect this child in one way or another for likely her entire life. I have told my sister that I have no interest in communicating with him and to please not give him my phone number or email address under any circumstances. Am I being too harsh? I remember the day he was born and how happy and close we all were for so long. His actions are unforgivable as far as I’m concerned. – Conflicted Aunt Dear Conflicted: You’re not being too harsh; you’ve set a boundary. He needs to honor it, as does your sister. Though he says he wants to be in contact, I’m not seeing any work that he’s doing or has done to repair the relationship with you. His crimes had an unimaginably horrific impact on his victims, and their families. And they also impacted your family. Without repair, there can’t be a relationship. And even with amends from him, your relationship won’t be the same.If he’s ready, willing, and able to do the work, he can send word through your sister. And you can decide whether a new relationship is possible. But for now, you’ve stated clearly what you need and that can be the last word.
Dear Eric: I need help in knowing how I should have responded to a cashier that I believe overstepped. I am currently about 15 months postpartum with my second child and I’m fortunate to still be breastfeeding. Breastfeeding plays a role in how/when a menstrual cycle comes back. My husband and I are not looking to have a third child, as such, we use protection. However, my cycle still isn’t regular, and I was concerned something failed as I was about eight days late. I stopped to pick up a pregnancy test to confirm the negative. At checkout, the cashier congratulated me. I bit back my initial “colorful” response; I was honest and told her that I am hoping it’s negative as I’m not ready to have my third C-section at age 42. She then said that I should enjoy any life I create, and any baby is a blessing. I just nodded, paid and left. While I don’t disagree, I would have been happy if it was positive, but also a little flustered because it means we 100 percent need a bigger house in a place where housing is still stupid high. I really felt like she was being intrusive and nosy. What would have been the proper response in this situation without being rude? – Not Pregnant Dear Not Pregnant: This cashier certainly has a vivid imagination, what with her spinning out imagined scenarios for your life and family. There are many reasons that people buy pregnancy tests. One of the most common: they don’t know if they’re pregnant. So, a hearty “congratulations” shows a basic misunderstanding of how tests work. You responded in a way that was generous and probably kept you from being baited into further conversation about her inner world. Nosy is as nosy does. Another option would’ve been to say “As I’m sure you know, it’s not appropriate to comment on customers’ personal purchases. Let’s make different small talk as I wait for the charge to go through. Oh look, it’s done. Goodbye forever.” But, again, I think you made the best choice.
Dear Eric: You gave a great answer to “Lonely Driver”, whose wife is engaged with her phone when they drive together to visit their kids in college. Another option might be to listen to an audiobook together. The library app “Libby” makes it easy to borrow audiobooks with your library card and download them to a phone or tablet. My family has enjoyed lots of road trips this way.– Road Reader Dear Reader: A wonderful suggestion. I love, love, love getting books from Libby and Libro.fm for audiobooks. They’re a great way to pass the time on a road trip and generate interesting conversation. On my last road trip, I listened to “Broken Places” by Tracy Clark, who edits this column. I loved it!
